Friday, August 25, 2006

Little Black Book

In that very class where first I noted ex-Mildred, Clarissa sent me a teasing, pleasing text message:-

does it easy to find a suitable China girl to sleep with?

I took the chance to flirt back:-

finding a girl as beautiful, sexy and unforgettable as the one I met on Friday night is extremely hard.

And as I tapped this off to her, another arrived:

Ok together with your sweet girl. i will find u later with a handsome guy.

The next morning I messaged her:-

Last night I dreamed of you... all night long, my Clarissa...

Normally that’s a lie when I say it. In this case it was true. I remember it clearly because it was a sexy dream, one in which I was just about to realize all my hopes; but just as I reached that moment I was woken by a text message from Tulip.

To this, Clarissa replied `ur killing me, u know?

That filled me with joy, for I took it to mean `killing me with conflict’ – that is, that she was thinking of me like I am of her, though a less pleasing interpretation would be that she meant I was a ladykiller and the she saw through my shallow moves.

But still I tried to play it a little, replying ‘Killing? O, if only I could change that double `l’ to double `s’…’ And she, quick to take up this little linguistic game, said ‘u mean kidding? I know!

This flirty tone to our relationship carried on online. A month or so after we’d got to know each other, she’d told me how she did not like to sleep alone (her husband being elsewhere on business.)

Me: yeah, i am sleeping alone these days too, and i'm not too happy about it either!
C: why not find a girl friend
Me. oh, i guess i could... but i am not good at being that serious .. so i don't really want a proper relationship
C: besides.... i would be thinking of you even if i did have a gf
C: it doesn't matter at all
Me: oh?
C: as I am not an MBA
Me: i know, dear Clarissa, i know... i would not make the rude suggestion that you were!
Me: but i hope u could be a good friend at least!
C: Don;t we?
Me: we are... but.. friends should spend time together, and, alas, u are too busy for that! what a shame...
C: know I am afraid of u
C: afraid of ... I think u know
Me: well... i guess... so maybe it is better we are friends more by msn than in person (of course I did not mean that at all, but one must know when not to push too hard)
Me: but... it would be nice
C: i know u r a "killer" but I don't want to be killed
C: I need a peaceful life
B: yes, i do understand, Clarissa. but in fact i am not really a `killer' - it is only when it comes to you that i find it hard to control my thoughts.
C: sweet man

This promising conversation ended there, since Tulip called me, following up her sms (more of her, later, too); but that was a good enough place to leave our online chat. This kind of conversation can be kept brief, hanging, for that makes it more piquant, more stimulating.

Keyed up to the pitch of needing feminine company, the day after this conversation I idled through a few contacts in my address book.

First of all, I called up Joy. Joy had studied at Tsinghua University, and (as are many from there) was fearsomely intelligent. Perfect in English, she was now following it up with German, and it was in such a class that I’d met her a few months before this.

Lecher though I am, the single sexiest quality in a woman, for me, is intelligence; true intelligence – not merely book-learned repetition - shines in the character, and it takes very few seconds for it to be obvious. Just a minute or two of conversation with Joy when I first met her was enough to captivate me – her breezy self-confidence, her brisk, pugnacious, teasing manner of talking to me. And so I’d set myself after her and, course concluded, we’d met for dinner.

Yet splendidly bright as she is, full of life and character, over dinner I saw that that life seemed to have little of emotion in it. Bracing she was, but also unyielding, wrapped in ice. I do not mean just with regard to my trifling desires, but rather that she was held back, reserved, as a way of life.

This is not quite to say she knows nothing of emotion, for she is aware of it and its complexities. But only in a logical way; she knows it, even understands it, some – but does not feel it. She is too rigid, intellectual.

Well, flaunting my ease with these things – or crassness, perhaps – I asked “Have you ever been kissed?”

“Of course I have!” she said –“Here,” pointing to her cheek, “and here,” to her forehead. I laughed out loud at this and in the ensuing conversation she told me that she would have to date a guy for at least two years before letting him her lips.

Partly it’s so absurd as to be laughable; partly it’s sad. This cocoon of bullshit, of lies; it’s what leads to sure marital sadness, as Chinese woman too often goes from chaste virgin to being badly, coolly and rapidly fucked by her cold fish husband – as she unwraps the gift she’s seen glittering in her mind all her life and finds a cold, cooked, congealed potato therein. Ah, yes, a ‘generalization’ again. But what shall I say? I can only write of what I see, what I am told. China is a sexually repressed society.

But (to get back to my search for a date) there was no reply for her. So then on a whimsy I text-messaged Holly, also a long-term background interest of mine who I will add to the growing list of women to write about in more detail.

In brief, for now, Holly caught my eye in class primarily because she reminded me of a girlfriend back in England. Echoes from the past are powerful, hard to ignore, and a certain amount of repetition in life has its charms. And this particular girlfriend back in England was a long term part of my life, and the years I spent in Germany and then Australia. I was not then the thing that I am now; China was the tutor and feeder of my riots.

Holly’s manner too reminded me of this past girlfriend, though of course that was likely more my need than her reality, me just seeing what I wanted to see. But the way she was slightly ill-at-ease (for the first time I invited her out it was with a general group of friends), the air she had, like that ex-, was of being in a milieu foreign to her… I don't mean to suggest any lack of social skills, not at all; more that she reminded me of how this ex- had once told me about going out with ‘wild young things.’ It was perhaps just that she found the party a little boring but something she felt she ought to enjoy – though would have preferred a quieter, calmer place. Her slight air of detachment, of observation… it was redolent, reminiscent of my life with that ex-.

But I got no reply from Holly, either. Of course, I could have called, rather than messaged, but that is not quite such a good way to flirt; for Holly would have been at work and thus would have been forced to respond to my call professionally not personally, for offices in China are not much different to offices in any country, and ears are open, tongues wag.

So then I sent Sweetie a message, and soon enough one arrived back from her. She was out of town. This was perhaps just as well, for I had neither seen nor messaged her for a few weeks, and to get together with her tonight purely because I wanted a woman would have been so obvious indiscreet as to have made her ha me.

And that many attempts was enough for me, so I went to Paulaner bar to take advantage of their afternoon special on beer, where, at half price, it is only surprisingly expensive rather than outrageously expensive and where (it being the afternoon) silence reigns; for in the evening Thai and Philipine bands sing, the noise is overwhelming and the crowds of easily-fooled locals, out to be seen, cram the place.

Later that evening, however, Clarissa called me, high and happy, at a party somewhere; and then again later, on her way home, 1 a.m., she called again, the party over and she on her way home; and this seemed to me a good sign, for it showed she again was thinking of me. Sure, maybe she just wants the flattery I surely provided, but even were that true it would still prove connection, frisson; she would not have been thinking of me, called me, had I not some impact on her.

Sure, I rolled out such seductive words as seemed fitting; she was after them, telling me she was sure I did not really care about her (for this was still relatively early in our relationship) – and what was that but a chance to tell her just how potently I did feel about her? How I thought of her every day? Pressed her for dinner, and she liked it but would not commit – because, to judge by the call and our online conversations she was enough interested in me for that putative dinner to undo her self-control; and, thus, while she was separated by a phone’s distance, she knew to hold to that gap as hard as she could.

And indeed she told me she had to go home to her husband – her mention of him both a barrier and an offer. A barrier because it was to remind me he was there, she was his; but an offer because, in going home to him, she showed she was thinking of me.

More, she put him there, obvious, to show he was part of the equation; that no matter what might happen between us, she would remain married to him. And that suited me just fine. I did not want to love her, exactly, but nor quite was it just a matter of sex. Yes, sex was my goal, true, but sex with at least some emotional anchor to it.




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205 comments:

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Anonymous said...

You're going to make it very hard for expats who go to China to work to actually, you know, WORK.

Screwing the women is fine, but your students? Yeah, not good. There's a thing called "professionalism" that should come into play.

More power to you for getting laid. Maybe tone back the offensiveness to the locals, just a touch. You're a guest in their country.

I'm so glad I'm an American, and I don't have the telltale accent of the 51st State (Britain).

I'm happy my Chinese fiance hasn't come across someone like you. She's a queen of a woman and deserves a man who actually cares. Hate to think I have to worry about catching a lead pipe across the skull in being seen with her because of the exploits of foreigners such as yourself. I'd hate to think of the Chinese lumping me in the same category as lecherous sex-tourists.

The political commentary on this blog is high quality though, keep it up.

ChinaBounder's email: said...

I am not a ‘guest’ in China.

I live here, work here, and pay my taxes. The fact that I am a citizen of another country in no way affects my right to comment on society in China. Right and wrong is not defined by borders. If you went to work in Europe would you overlook inequities because you were American?

I have no especial wish to be ‘offensive’ to locals. But I write what I see, and the fact that what I write might cause unease to other expatriates cannot be a reason for me to keep silent.

Anonymous said...

I would like to make a generalization of my own in the spirit of much of the above commentary. As a caveat, what we express is part of a complex process: language processing seeks to specify, but is, on average, approximative, and hence, always a generalization.

offensive, accurate, fun, outrageous, anonymous, hateful, offensive, pithy, there, 8 seems a good #, are fun adjectives to pull out of a database and splash on a page, along with countless diatribe, some short others long, about a man, the myth he has created and, ultimately egos. My point is, think what you may, but express it, and do so as you will. i am apolitical, aracist, acultural, anarchic, simply not asexual.

as such, i understand that this man is an artist. he seeks to entertain our imaginations in exchange for their secretions. the juices of one man, or woman, are to be shared by all generations to come, as, I believe, all roads leading to rome, is applicable to the genetic/biological/reproductive imperative. as an artist, he is conveying his PERCEPTION. as part of the practice, he observes, comments, and waxes. SHINE. much like a photographer who frames a bit of everyday life.

to other comments: some of us make sense to some others. others, vice-versa. I don't claim to do so to all, but i do understand most every perspective on here (if not to say all). i mean, this guy does flaunt, were he really to be as cool as he may sound to some, he probably wouldn't write about it. TO OTHERS to try to twist concepts: such as freedom and hypocrisy and morality and ESPECIALLY contort language and be ABSOLUTIST and totally smug prigs... congratulations on being the bread and butter of society. the reason gossip columns grip the middle ranks of socity, and give idlers like myself a chance to dwell in the misery of others. yes, people who deal in mediocrity and ego-swilling remarks, sheer palaver is all right, provocation, fun, innocence and lack of perspective tolerated and hopefully treasured by many, but, MEDIOOCRITY?

my digs are that I'm china hand from birth but never lived in china for long. i like china and the chinese but am lazy and complacent in what should and otherwise could be diligence and excellence in my personal pursuits. i speak some chinese, though not enough to fully understand what may, or may not, be some very meaningful commentary among what was said in chino. perdon, traduce, por favor. si algun hispanohablante tiene algo que decir desde un punto de vista latino, seria interesante. well.

all in all. a fun and interesting read. well done people and for the most part, a great addition to the quest for that which constantly eludes us.

Anonymous said...

Wow, everyone needs to get off their high horses. The self-righteousness is stifling. Yeesh.

I’m a Chinese girl in America and no, I do not agree with the way Chinabounder conducts himself, but he’s an adult, his partners are consenting, and just because I do not agree, does not mean I am going to threaten his life over seducing women. There are philanderers all over the world, and it is universal for women to agree that “men lie.” Sexist? Yes, because it goes both ways. There were Chinese philanders and rapists and pedophiles, just as there are American ones, English ones, etc. Why is everything a nationalist debate? I know plenty of white guys that use women, but I know plenty of Chinese/Jewish/black/pick a nationality that do it too.

I agree that generic comments about China’s censorship policy are also ignorant, but it’s true that China has a pretty hardcore one compared to most of the western world. And the media, no matter what country it is in, has a slant. It’s fair to say people are not always well-informed.

If he is racist, and yes to a degree he is racist, but isn’t everyone? I mean all the people on here generalizing about “pear-shaped” English women, and trying to rationalize that Chinabounder should be offended by the idea of his mother f..king anyone who was not white, that’s even more racist and it makes them look ridiculous. Of course, the guys on here saying “gook” and “chink” probably did not help matters.

I also don’t see the point of insulting Chinabounder’s family as 1.) they are not necessarily responsible for the person he is today 2.) it just shows how juvenile you are. So what, you don’t like what the guy says, is that grounds for threatening to kill him or f..k his family members? Seriously, how do you get stuff done if you’re always threatening people who disagree with you? I doubt that is how you usually conduct business… is it because he’s white? Because that would pretty racist too. Or is because you can be anonymous online? Because that would be cowardly.

As for him f...king students, there is no federal regulation on student/teacher relationships and it varies from uni to uni. At mine you can do it as long as they are no longer your student and are of legal age. It is frowned upon, but not illegal or something that would jeopardize your entire career.

I know Chinese guys that freak out about things like this. Hell, I know American guys like it too. “This dirty nationality has come to corrupt our women and we must protect them.” Yea, OK, that is made under the assumption that your women can’t take care of themselves and are therefore inferior. Good job guys.

While I don’t agree with Chinabounder on a lot of things, his commentary is interesting and sometimes downright hilarious. If you don’t like what he has to say, don’t read it. Don’t tell me that none of you guys who are “offended” by this would not try to have no-strings sex if you had the chance. Some of you might be more virtuous, but deep down, some of you would not. And you know what, that is normal, that is human f...king nature. Seriously, those of you who are “outraged” and “appalled” you look ridiculous. You’re just feeding the stereotype that behind the Golden Shield, Chinese netizens don’t know how the rest of the world conducts itself.

Finally, has it ever occurred to you that 1. Chinabounder might not be telling the truth or 2. he’s being an ass about things just to piss you off and you’re taking the bait? Grow up kids.

Anonymous said...

it is quite interesting to read your story... and i think for female reader, your blog is quite educational..since i think a lots of woman does not understand man that they want sex all the time.... i think woman should just accept the fact that sometimes man just want sex...

i am a chinese girl and i think that you should join the swinger club.... would be less drama....unless you enjoying breaking people's heart..

i wonder how old are you ?
and is getting laid in china and pointing out obvious problem with china is your most important goal in your life? is this what your are ?

here is an article that i read and find interesting.. i am sure you would have a good read....

http://www.city-journal.org/2008/18_1_single_young_men.html

please let me know what you think...

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