Friday, May 12, 2006

Married Women and Boring Husbands

Tingting was a doctor, and married. Ah, now, married women…

This is worth a digression. It seems to me that, taken on the whole, Chinese men are nice, kind, decent…. And dull, passionless. They’re often less voracious than Western guys, have fewer of their -- our -- wolvish ways. But they are dull, dull, dull.

I should say that I am a teacher here in China. Teaching is the one job any Westerner can do when he is either incapable or unwilling to do any other job. There are in China a handful of good, concerned teachers, and then a vast pool of guys like me, doing it for the buck and the bang. And teaching is the one surest way to dive into life here, especially at the universities I work for, with their large numbers of students from all across the board.

Relentlessly social, I have a wide circle of friends, 98% of them women. Indeed, of the 500 or so contacts on my various IM lists there are but a handful of guys. And of the married women friends I have become close enough to really talk, all are either unsatisfied or outright unhappy with their marriages – indeed, in all the years I have been teaching I have seen only one married couple in class who were obviously, clearly, truly in love.

Sure, and part of this is just because of the cultural difference, for people here, especially the slightly older, married ones, do not show affection in public. But even so… I do believe there’s a great deal of .. well, not actual unhappiness, but just dissatisfaction. I got to know one woman, Linda, quite well recently since I was helping her with her application for some aco stuff, and since I worked hard at it for her she invited me to dinner to thank me. She took me to a great place, too, a buffet in the Jin Mao, up high, with great views across the Huangpu, Shanghai's central river. And as we talked a bit more personally and she told me she was unhappy with her marriage.

Right, I had already worked out that this was the case, but I was indiscreet enough to ask her, ‘So, if you had the chance to do it again, would you still marry him?’ She said she would not.. but since she has a 7 year old girl divorce isn’t really an option. It’s so sad.. and a common story.

Tulip, for example – she’s in a sterile marriage – so much so that it is unconsummated. And Belinda, with whom I had lunch yesterday, recently ended her unhappy marriage (it was a good lunch; the right signs were there; the next step is dinner then bed); and then there’s Clarissa (a woman I wanted bad and never got… she’s emigrated now – and maybe just as well else I’d have fallen for her too hard) – and Carolyn (about to divorce when last I spoke with her); and so on.

But for now just Tingting will do. She was – ha, aren’t they all? – a student in one of my classes. This was some months back, March or so, and she caught my eye pretty soon off the start. She was a little shy, but there was mischief in her eye, mischief and amusement. And, and her eyes, deep, liquid, loquacious…Hidden laughter there, secrets.

At the end of the course (for even I have some basic scruples, and try not to hit on a woman while she’s still a student) I gave my email to the whole class – as I do with every class – but made sure to say to her, firmly, ‘Stay in touch.’ She did, and anon I arranged dinner with her.


How are you these days?busy ?

I guess you’ll find it out, but I feel nervous when I think about our meeting next Tuesday. This will be the first time I’ve met a person I am unfamiliar with alone. I don’t know your cultural background, how you think, or what your habits and interests are. And I can’t express myself well in your language, and you cannot express yourself well with mine. So please don’t be angry if I seem a bit nervous.

Still, I’m looking forward to next Tuesday!

When we met – she carefully dressed, nicely made-up – said again that she was nervous. In the cab, as we talked, however, she mentioned a husband in Taizhou - something I had not expected at all (I'd thought she was maybe 24 or 26; she's 32...). But my initial chagrin at this soon gave way to a more philosophical reading – her husband was in Taizhou

Such nerves as she had soon disappeared as we chatted at the restaurant, the conversation flowing easily, and me sitting next to her, at right angles, not opposite, the better to whisper close and quite to her. Place I took her to was a small local chain Clarissa had introduced me to, and I’d been there a few days before with someone else.

Now at this time I had thought it would be a good idea to cut back on beer, so I had decided—ha – not to drink that night. But she wanted a beer. And, since I wanted to seduce her, I knew this was the way to get her to overstep her married scruples. So we drank – and she drank really rather well, matching me pace for pace over four bottles (she is from the north of China, where people like to drink. In the south, they drink much less, and women drink almost never). As we drank and talked our body language grew closer, more intimate, caresses and touches. Well.. that is, I touched her more than me she, but she did not demur, nor blush, but rather took it as natural, expected… our conversation mostly just getting to know you chat, but she did talk of her husband a little; saying she went to the city where he worked regularly to see him, but he never came to see her. And that she had been married about six years. She had not wanted to get married so soon, but he did; so she agreed. She spoke of him wholly neutrally, no hint of feeling, emotion; as if he was someone she knew, no more nor less.

What I most wanted to know was if he was the passionless fish that so many guys here are. But I did not really need to ask – he doesn’t come to see her, wanted to get hitched too soon after getting to know her (that's often a sign of a marriage made for social reasons.) Yeah, he’s the trad type, decent I’m sure but no imagination. And certainly it was easier to think of him that way considering what I had in mind, snatching his wife away from him.

And so as we left the restaurant to walk a while I put my hand round her shoulder, and her waist; but she did not want to hold hands. So there were limits to be pushed past, I saw. Walking her away from the busy streets down one quieter, dark-pooled road, I stopped walking, turned her to me.

Technorati Tags:


Anonymous said...


gross generialisation that chinese men are dull.

ChinaBounder said...

… gross generialisation that chinese men are dull.

You will note that I said ‘on the whole’ rather than ‘all’ Chinese men are dull.

But you are right, it is a generalization. And generalizations are lazy and best avoided. Of course I do not see the full story, since my own Chinese language skills are limited. This means that frequently I misunderstand or misinterpret what I see, all the more so since men often have weaker second-language skills than women, presenting a further block to understanding (again a generalization, I know). And, of course, China’s culture is not one that shows passion in public.

However, based on many close conversations with women friends and numerous discussions in class, I stand by my comment. Again and again the majority of female students in class tell me Chinese guys are no good at romance. I would say perhaps 65% to 70% of the students in a class will agree with the statement that most Chinese guys lack passion / are conservative / unadventurous / just plain dull; another 10% or so will say only some lack passion; and the rest will dispute the statement.

It is a difficult issue to be accurate about, I do not at all claim I have any answers or even any great insight into the matter.

And China is changing so fast that the situation is different for each generation. Today’s teenagers – say, 17, 18, 19 year olds – are totally different to those just a few years older. A much greater proportion of them are confident, creative and bold – and I am sure will remain so as they grow older. The gap between a 19 year old and a 29 year old is not a decade – it is an era.

But I tend to teach the older, more staid generation and so I do not see so much of this type of person. Part of the reason for my attitude is just that I teach a lot of people around Tingting’s age, and they are married to the more conservative type of man.

It seems to me that there are two cultures in China, male and female. Clearly you know something about China, and so perhaps you will agree with me that China is changing at a vast pace. Women here, I feel, have a much greater capacity for assimilating this change than men do. Western ways of expression are becoming common in China, and they are ways that women, not men, are seizing. Such ways of expression allow a greater voice of personal freedom for women than is mandated by Chinese culture. Women seize these modes of expression, but, when they do so, they become unhappy with their lives, for they see how little their marriages accord with the new hopes created by modern society.

But I certainly do not mean to argue Chinese culture is inferior to Western culture. My country, the UK, has many social problems too – racism, neglect, ignorance, selfishness -- but I am here, not there, and so here is what interests me.

Anonymous said...

Hello ,LaoWai,
As you said ,china is changing so fast.And women accept those western way much more easily than are definately right.

chinese men are square .we are protecting our position in the society when facing those western culture which is good to woman.

Chinese women treat lao Wai in both of traditional way and western way.And usually they use them in the right place.

But they use them in wrong place,when treating a chinese boy.

Is that a little bit interesting?

Anonymous said...

1. Came to Shanghai six years ago.
2. From England. (Also spent time in Germany and Australia)
3. He was born in the year of the dog - therefore, 36 years old.
4. Teaches english in various universities.
5. Knows Jiao Tong university well.
6. Gives his msn/email to students at the end of classes.
7. Lives on or near Huai Hai Road.
8. Reasonably good spoken/written Chinese.

PLEASE ASSIST by adding the relevant blog passage to the below FOOTNOTES:

LITTLE BLACK BOOK -- Friday, August 25, 2006
“… she reminded me of a girlfriend back in England … And this particular girlfriend back in England was a long term part of my life, and the years I spent in Germany and then Australia.”

SEDUCING CHRISTINE #4 -- Saturday, August 19, 2006
“So after eating we walked along Huai Hai Road back to my place.”

Six yrs in China + Frequent use of Chinese in blog.

Anonymous said...

If you think that Chinabounder sucks, then hope more people to know about him.
If you think what ChinaBounder wrote is acually what happened in Shanghai and China, and hope more people to aware about it.

Translate it into Chinese.
send it to
We will post it over

Howard said...

No pictures? :(

Anonymous said...

um, only a guy who doesn't sport a big cock will write it down in black and white. And yes, if her pussy can make little circles around your cock, that also means (drum roll), your cock isn't that big. Nice try loser.

Anonymous said...

Seems the author of the blog has made a little China boy jealous.... I agree 100% about hot Chinese women married to boring guys going out for some side action. I have been working on a hot one for about 2 months now and she finally sent me a message saying she cannot stop thinking about me and wants to have sex since here husband only gives it to her every 2 months. I just need to make room in my schedule as the other 3 regulars tie up a lot of time. I have never bagged a taxi driver

One of the best ways I have found to seduce a Chinese is know Chinese. I am an engineering expat and spent 5 years in Mainland China. The more Chinese you know the easier it is and it opens up the field to all the girls who do not speak English. In my early days I would get the girls who wanted to teach me Chinese / learn English. Now I am getting the women who want to carry on a conversation about the world.

Good luck and happy hunting. I cannot wait to experience the married woman. I had once before and she was only out for revenge on her cheating husband so this will be more interesting as she wants the closeness that is missing from her current husband. She is hot, he needs to take himself away from the computer and get down on her. His loss, our gain.

Anonymous said...

I am from Europe and stay for now many year in Australia.
I have discover wonderful Chinese women.
But now I am not sure any more...
All this beautifull women were maried, to good hard working men. But they all went with me for many very sexial enconters.
Some were maried with well established western men, but again the fun and sex was driving them...
it has been great, fun, exciting so much of crazy stuff... video... 3 some amd more....
But after all this I feel empty!
I was beleiving of a sexy gentil Chinese woman.... but too many lies.... at this end no trust, no respect, no honesty... only sex...
I now beleive that Chinese women enjoy sex a lot! and are always looking for a better opportunity.
It is so sad not to trust someone you care so much for!!!!!

Anonymous said...

so you are one of those loser only can be teaching english i am sure your english level is a kingergarten level in your country .. i think your job is fxxking in china. by the way did you pay someone to write all this bull shit.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

One day you might fall in love and get married. You will then wonder if your wife will cheat on you in the same manner that she has been seduced by you. Maybe she'll find you "dull" after a while too.